Here, RC Sproul Jr. speaks wisdom on the  topic of "courtship" where some have lost their mental and relational footing. He answers the question: "What are some concerns with how we practice courtship?" 

I could, quite comfortably, spill an ocean of ink cataloging the weaknesses inherent in the contemporary dating scene. There is no question that the blessed revival of older forms of finding a spouse has been a profound boon to those who reject dating and all that comes with it. But as with homeschooling, it is all too easy to compare ourselves with our secular counterparts and be far too easily satisfied. Courtship is a good thing, indeed a better thing. But we can do better still.

First, one of the blessings of courtship is its greatest weakness. One of the defining qualities of courtship, recognizing that the term envelops a rather large range of ideas, is that the dad of the young lady is in charge. Dads, of course, and I speak as one, can be idiots. They are, however, less likely to be carried away by their emotions, to be snookered by a teenage lothario. That’s one reason courtship is a good thing. But what about fathers who are, shall we say, lacking in wisdom? Too often I have seen fathers who take the good calling of protecting their daughters  and morph it into a bad thing of keeping their daughters for themselves.

There are a number of common ways we see this happening. First, we have the father hoop-factory. This father, eager to protect, creates an utterly unreasonable and often constantly changing set of requirements before a young man is given the green light to pursue the young lady. Here the expectation of the young man is that he will be as financially secure at 20 as the girl’s dad is at 50. He will be as spiritually mature as well. Every imaginable point of doctrine becomes a landmine the suitor must traverse.

Second, too often dad sees his daughter as bait to be used to give him an opportunity to “disciple” a young man. Often dissatisfied with his calling or his performance with respect to his own sons, future son-in-law is the second chance dad’s been waiting for. Young man comes to court and dad says, “Not now. Let’s work together for a while, and then, maybe.” The young man then has his own theological convictions placed in the same stew with his own matrimonial aspirations.  Many a baby will be welcomed or excluded from the covenant based not on its own conviction, nor those native to his parents, but based on the convictions of the grandfather.

Which brings us to grandmother. Too often courtship is not under the authority of the head, but the neck. Mom sees courtship as an opportunity for her to re-enter the drama of her youth. Alliances are made, allegiances are stretched, and young ladies are taught the PG version of seduction. Courtship, too often, rather than being sober, thoughtful and rational, becomes dating on speed. Dad is sharing a cigar, negotiating with the young man, while mom is upstairs going over china patterns with Princess.  When the courtship is approved lovely cards are sent out to celebrate the new “relationship.”

Courtship, of course, isn’t a concept that comes with a proof text. We have already erred by talking about it as if it is some sort of biblical program. The Bible doesn’t have programs. It does, of course, call us to wisdom in helping our children reach that brightest line that marks adulthood-marriage. Which means our goal ought to be wisdom. Which means parents ought, while rightly having godly suspicion of the wisdom of the kids, to have suspicion about their own wisdom. They ought to be guarding against their own egos intruding.

Marriage, the end of courtship, is tough. We don’t make it easier by adding unbiblical requirements and expectations. Instead we must always remember that the Bible is the solution to our folly.  A sincere passion to submit to it, even if married to weakness in understanding it, will always trump self. Dating, for all its myriad weaknesses, brought us together with the spouses who with us raised these amazing children. Let’s lead and guide our children well, but let’s not put ourselves between our children and our grandchildren.

- R.C. Sproul Jr.